Pain and Professional Vanity

I'm pretty sure I have an anterior labral tear, and the root cause is professional vanity. The pain was so intense last night I got anxious which started involuntary shuddering in my legs. I felt lightning bolts when I sat, moved laterally, or bent over, and a peal of shattered glass when I leaned against the kitchen counter. It didn't begin like this. It's been gradual. There's been overall tightness in the hip flexors, which I've tended to with yoga. Yesterday, I had slight pain in the morning during my practice.

The day before yesterday, I was eager to jump back into practicing "The Six Hoop Box," which has been out of my regular rotation of practice, and I like to use it in performances. I tested it out with success. Not just success, but I did a half turn while the hoop was still rotating on my left foot. Which means the leg was outstretched in front of me, then to the side, and then behind. I was using every lateral rotator I think. Did I warm up enough? Nope. I had just finished the usual practice, and was moving into the "play time" period of practice where I tinker with new ideas, or challenge myself, or rework sequences I like to keep in regular rotation.

Now I am doing this move: prone. I cannot sit. I cannot go up steps. I am in one position, with a bag of frozen mixed vegetables on my hip, this laptop on my thighs, wondering how I am going to manage a 1 p.m. meeting when I should not be in bed.

The pain I feel is also deeply connected to my aging and the athletic part of my profession, which I believe may be starting its last, slower twirls like a coin spun on a table. I've been feeling this for a long while, looking for a direct sign. I may have given myself the direct sign by injuring myself "trying to keep up." My own vanity and ego are doing me in. I want to keep up, I love what I do. I love the personal challenges, the proof that I am not only capable but have become quite accomplished at something athletic and very physical, the look of surprise and delight from audiences, the attention my reply of "I'm a circus performer" gets when I respond to the question "What do you do?" 

What a pain it will be to let that all go one day, and maybe also a relief.