How To Take Candy From Strangers: A Style Guide

One Year and Under

Your adult caregiver will dress you as the world's most adorable ghost, dinosaur, or pumpkin. You will be strolled along the sidewalk to the oohs and ahhs of all. Sure you have no grasping skills yet, and a full set of teeth is still a dream, but the adults will fill up a sack on "your behalf."

Two to Five

If you're anything like me, and I know I am, you'll end up the sidekick to your sibling. Wear that chicken costume well, vamp it up, and steal the show. Your method for candy grabs is "Polite Random." You're still learning the etiquette from your elders. Pinch a single treat between your thumb and pointer finger, look up at the giver, and when they purl "You can take more than one," DO NOT LOOK AT YOUR PARENTS. Just go for it. A full skill crane grab.

Six to Twelve

You have an obligation now to be entertaining. It's a lot of work, because it was going to be good and now it's all ruined because your chicken sister is stealing the show with her clucking at everyone and what have you got? A plaid shirt and a cowboy hat. Whatever. Let the chicken do the work, and while she's vamping, you can sift through the proffered candies like you're looking for a very important government document. You're no longer a cowboy, you're counter-intelligence. You've been contracted for this job, it's important. Don't just get any candy. Get the RIGHT candy, and bring it back to headquarters. If you screw up, trade it for "better information."

Thirteen and Up

No one knows what your costume is supposed to be, just like they don't understand your poetry, your drawings, or your slang. Everything is just the way you want it.  You've been practicing and working your way up to this moment. All you have to do is amble over, mumble "What's up" or some version of a greeting, and since it's later in the prescribed Trick-or-Treat timeline, you can pretty much take whatever you want. This is your night, you're the CEO of Halloween. It's why you wore your backpack, instead of bringing a pillowcase or one of those plastic Jack-o-Lanterns.

Tip for the Middle Aged and Up Givers

When you run out of your puny candy bars, wear the empty colander on your head. Instant costume! You're a conspiracy theorist concerned about harmful gamma rays, but you're not stupid. You bought a whole bag of peppermint patties for later, just for yourself.