Thursday, July 31, 2008

Why We're Fat

A former student who is heading to college this fall told me today that she picked up a copy of the "College 08" catalog from Target. Inside were these mouth-watering recipes:

Need: 1 milky way, 2 reeses cups, 1 3 musketeers, 5 sticks of 5 gum

Directions: Place candy bars in a sealable plastic bag. Mash candy bars into a thick, delicious clay. Lay the gum down onto a hardback book, covered with something to protect it.
Using a can of Coca-Cola, roll out gum into one big, flat sheet. Fill the sheet with the chocolate gooeyness. Roll flattened gummy sheet up. Slice the roll in 1/2-inch servings. Serve!

Delicious. Gum as a sticky rind for a solid mass of chocolate goo. Imagine, pink rind, brown goo inside. They should call these "Anus Tidbits."

It gets better:

Hip Chex

Directions: In a large bowl, mix Coke Zero with Chex Mix, let stand for a few minutes. Mix thoroughly until it becomes a buttery blended paste. Top with cheese and a pinch of shredded beef jerky. Microwave for 15 seconds, then again and again until hot and melted. Carefully remove from microwave and serve with crackers to your finest friends.

Your finest friends, or your worst enemies?

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

They gotta' be kidding! Who would eat that drek?
Fran

Angela said...

Those have got to be the grossest recipes I have of heard! Anthony Bourdain has nothing on those! Yuck! I guess America has a standard to live up to. I mean, aren't we the fattest nation? Sad.

Layne said...

If college kids ate that, they would totally meet & surpass the freshman fifteen. Totally & completely disgusting. blech!

so NOT cool said...

Even during periods of time when I ate horribly, this would have grossed me out.

Just ... wow.

Christopher said...

There is a very funny anecdote in Alexander Waugh's biography of his family in which he reads from one of his father's editorials, decrying the British kiddie diet, consisting of something to the effect of: "two pounds of Super-Bazooka chocolate flavor bubblegum cubes, 1 tin of condensed milk, 2 small bttles of strawberry flavored lip gloss, 2 bttles of cherry cola, 3 cigarette ends, 1 tube of toothpaste and 2 oz (approx) of dog shit" (Fathers and Sons, London 2004)

Vetivresse said...

Auberon Waugh, Evelyn's son, once decried, in an editorial piece, his country's "spherical kiddies of indeterminate sex, whose afternoon subsistence consists of two pounds of Super-Bazooka chocolate flavor bubblegum cubes, 1 tin of condensed milk, 2 small bttles of strawberry flavored lip gloss, 2 bttles of Cherry Coke, 3 cigarette ends, 1 tube of toothpaste and 2 oz (approx) of dog shit."

I am aghast at what you have so faithfully transcribed.

Kristen said...

Melt easter chocolate under lamp. Feed to little sister.

I got into major trouble for that. Imagine what would have happened if I'd rolled it up in gum.